The Real Ron Weasley
by SlytherinSexGoddess
Summary: I repeat, will the real Ron Weasley please stand up. Rated R for swearing and a hint of slash. Not H/R though. It's all about the Harry/Draco. Hehe. Enjoy!


**Professer Albus Dumbledore walked into the great hall wearing robes of deep magenta, the familiar twinkle in his eye. Closely followed by Professor Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, and Hagrid the Hogwarts Games Keeper, who was also Harry, Ron, and Hermione's dear friend. They all took their usual seats around the teacher's table as Dumbledore stood put his hands in the air to signal quiet, as he was about to say the words to begin the feast. Every night is different words. Every night an elegant banquet of succulent hams and roast chickens with Yorkshire pudding and all the lollies you could eat. Ron. Couldn't. Wait.  
  
The room went quiet so that the only sound that remained was that of a clinking glass or two as pumpkin juice was pored. Professor Dumbledore looked cautiously around at all the students before setting his eyes on the Gryffindors.  
  
"May I have your attention please? I repeat, may I have your attention please? Will the real Ron Weasley please stand up. I repeat, will the real Ron Weasley please stand up... ((turns to Snape and McGonagall))... we're going to have a problem here."  
  
This was his chance. His chance to prove himself to the school. That he wasn't Harry's lapdog or the lovesick puppy to Hermione or the nuisance to Malfoy. This was his time to shine above all his brothers. Above his house and his friends. As he pondered this, the *real* Ron Weasley...stood...up. All eyes were upon him. Hermione, trying to keep a strong head was holding onto his robes to offer her support and Harry just stared, dumbfounded at his best friend. From across the room, Draco Malfoy could be heard whispering about how 'the mudblood couldn't keep her hands off of The Weasel for two seconds." Ron's face went rigged. A heat rose up in his cheeks, making him match his hair.  
  
"What's the matter, Weasley? Never been touched by a girl before?" Draco spat at him from across the hall.  
  
Before Ron could react, Hermione pointed her wand at Ron and muttered 'musicalus'. A familiar beat started around the great hall. And before he knew what he was doing, Ron started to free-style... Hogwarts style.**  
  
You all act like you've never seen a mudblood wizard before Jaws all on the floor like Lucius Malfoy just walked in the door And started whooping Dobby's ass worse than before Hagrids teaching a course Troll's throwing 'round furniture  
  
It's the return of the Dark Lord. No wait, your kidding. He didn't almost say what I think he did, did he?brAnd Mad Eye Moody said. Nothing you git, Mad Eye Moody's half dead He's locked in a trunked basement  
  
All of Hogwarts hates Slytherin Chicka chicka chicka chicka, those Slytherins I'm sick of them Look at them Walkin' around grabbing their you-know-what's Worshipping you-know-who  
  
((yeah but Draco's so cute though))  
  
Yeah, he's probably got a couple of screws up in his head loose But no worse than what's going on in the other common rooms Sometimes I want to get on the cover of the Daily Prophet and let loose But can't, but it's cool for Harry here to take a bath with the spawn of a goose  
  
My wand is on your lips My wand is on your lips And if I'm lucky you might just give it a little hiss And that's the message that we deliver to first year kids And expect them not to know what a real Parselmouth is  
  
Of course there gonna know what Parseltongue is By the time they hit forth year and lived through The Chamber of Secrets, right dear?  
  
We ain't nothin' but mammals, well. Some of us are dark wizards who cut muggles open like cannibals But if we can transfigure into animals or antelopes Than there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope  
  
And if you feel like I feel, I've got the counter-curse Win away Snape/Boggart purse Sing the chorus, not the verse.  
  
I'm Ron Weasley, yes I'm the real Weasley All you other Ron Weasley's are just bein' measly So won't the real Ron Weasley, please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
I'm Ron Weasley; yes I'm the real Weasley All you other Ron Weasley's are just bein' measly So won't the real Ron Weasley, please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
Rita Skeeter doesn't have to cuss in her reports to sell papers. Well I do So bugger her And bugger you too!  
  
You think I give a fig about prize money? Have of you wankers can't even stomach me, let alone be funny.  
  
((But Ron, what if you win. Wouldn't it be weird?))  
  
Why so you guys could just cheat to enter me In the, tournament that was meant for Harry? Bloody hell, no way! That's all to scary I'd rather sit next to my sister Ginny and Cho Chang And hear 'em argue over which one Harry wants to bang  
  
Little witch put me on your list It's okay by me  
  
((Yeah he's cute, but I think he likes Hermione, hee hee))  
  
I should download an audio on MP3 What the hell is that? We don't even have DVD. Pure bloods are sick of all you're muggle toys, they're annoying Death Eaters have been sent out to destroy you.  
  
Sure, there's a million of red heads just like me Who cuss like me, who don't give a fuck ((gasp)) like me Dress like mebrWalk talk and act like me It just might be the rest of the Weasley's, but it's not quite me.  
  
I'm Ron Weasley, yes I'm the real Weasley All you other Ron Weasley's are just bein' measly So won't the real Ron Weasley, please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
I'm Ron Weasley, yes I'm the real Weasley All you other Ron Weasley's are just bein' measly So won't the real Ron Weasley, please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
I'm like a bad curse to listen to 'Cause I'm only giving you things you joke about with your friends inside your common rooms The only difference is I got the gall to say it in front of y'all and I don't have to be false, or sugar coat it at all.  
  
I just point my wand and spit it and whether you like to admit it I just said it better than 90 percent of you wizards out there Hey, I wonder how can kids eat up these Beartie Beans like crazy fiends.  
  
It's funny, 'cause at the rate I'm going, when I'm thirty I'll be the only wizard in St. Mungo's, flirting. Pinchin' nurses asses while I'm jackin' off or wanking I'll say "I'm wanking, but this whole vat of Pepper-up Potion isn't working."  
  
In every single person, there's a Ron Wealsey lurking. He could be working in Hogsmeade as a queer Spittin' in you're butter beer. Or in the great hall Cursing, screaming: "Never been touched by a girl before?" What the fuck? Malfoy, you can't even get it up!  
  
So, now the real Ron Weasley has stood up I'm gonna put one finger on each wand up And I'm proud to be muggle loving, outta-control One more time, loud as you can How does it go?  
  
I'm Ron Weasley, yes I'm the real Weasley All you other Ron Weasley's are just bein' measly So won't the real Ron Weasley, please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
I'm Ron Weasley, yes I'm the real Weasley All you other Ron Weasley's are just bein' measly So won't the real Ron Weasley, please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
**The music stopped. All eyes on him, Ron sank back into his chair at the Gryffindor table and started helping himself to more Yorkshire pudding. The rest of the Great Hall had begun to go back to talking and eating. All except for Harry, who kept looking like he was either going to hug Ron or smack him.  
  
"Harry, what's the matter??"  
  
"Nothing. It's just... nevermind."  
  
"What?" Ron asked again, more forcefully.  
  
"Well, it's just," Harry started. "How would you know?"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"If Malfoy could get it up or not."  
  
"Oh, I was just teasing, Harry! Ugh, like I would *ever* touch that dirty git with a ten foot wand!!"  
  
Harry laughed and went back to eatin, then looked up again.  
  
"Ron, there are a *few* things you *did* get wrong in that song."  
  
"Oh? Like what?"  
  
"Pepper-up potion isn't used like Viagara, Cho Chang doesn't like me like that, Death Eaters haven't been sent to destroy muggles because of their electronics, I didn't keep the prize money that I won after the Tri-Wizard Tournament, and Draco seemed perfectly capable of gettin it up last night!"  
  
Harry spat the last bit.  
  
"Well Harry, you can't expect me get everything right. It was free styling after all. Bloody hell..."  
  
Ron looked at Harry like he had never really seen him before.  
  
"Harry... did you just say... Draco got it up... *last night*??"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes and pointed her wand toward Harry and muttered 'musicalus'. The room went quiet again and the same familiar beat could be heard. Harry stood up and started to do what Ron had just done.  
  
Ron, you act like you've never seen a gay wizard beforebrYour jaws all on the floor like I whipped my dick out and stuck it in your back door...**  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
